This xanga is insanely outdated. Hi...

So anyway, just wanted to say that I'm so grateful for this guy here.



We've been together for two months already and I received the loveliest surprise on Thursday. It included an album filled with lovely letters and pictures. Such a perfect gift, I couldn't stop melting since the moment I held it in my hands, and couldn't stop flipping through it when I got home.








(Obvious photo quality difference haha)


I really treasure all the good times I've had with you and I'm just so glad I met you. I couldn't thank you enough for everything. Thanks for always making me smile or crack up like no one's business, for being so damn sweet, and most of all thanks for always being there. I could never ask for anything more. You're just so precious to me :)

I watched the necklace shatter as I threw it to the floor, and then I burst into tears. It was broken. And nothing would be able to fix it or piece it back. The necklace will never be what it used to be. It was one of my favourite possessions, and I miss it.

I miss what it used to be.

I stared at the damage and the tears became even more uncontrollable. It was damaged. It's the billionth object I've ever damaged in my life.

The first object I've ever damaged was myself. And that was probably the only damage that wasn't my doing. That thing I have to force out of my head whenever I'm reminded of or see your face.

But clearly you don't remember.

And I am your projection. I am everyone's projection because someone else's silence is the greatest excuse to be righteous- silence can mean defiance in a second. Silence cannot fight back, it just stays and haunts hurt souls. I am silent. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I bring it up, it's funny how you completely forgot.The immediate picture is that you would finally understand why I'm so destructive. Would you feel guilt? Maybe. Though the more realistic situation is that you would deny it and continue bringing me down for making up excuses. But this. This is not an excuse. This is real. It's stuck in reality. My mind may be messed up, but some of the things I store there are as real as the fragility of life is.

Part of me wants to tear every one of your limbs apart.

The other part of me cries, "Why." because I want to believe that you really are as innocent as you make yourself appear to be now.

The truth is, almost every time I see your face something stirs up in me that makes me want to kill you, and the only thing that stops me is the fact that I can never convince myself that I don't care about a person's life no matter what a fucker he or she may have been to me

What am I so fucking afraid of?

You see, time may or may not exist but what happened in the past still happened. If someone can tell me how you make something as severe as that seem positive, then maybe I'll be able to live one day without tearing up behind the scenes and feeling my heart ache every time I have to smile at everyone.

Everything is in fragments, but I believe it started with you. I guess the years that passed eventually decayed your memory but unfortunately that isn't the case for me. Which is just unfair. Just fucking unfair.